May 02, 2006
Bizarro family
(UPDATE: my response, and much later, a further followup)
Last Friday I got an email from a former coworker of my cousin Mike Blaheta. This guy had found me on the net, and wanted to offer condolences and learn more about this inspiring individual who was taken too soon, etc, etc.
What?
I called my mom and asked her if she'd heard anything, and neither she nor Dad had. We wanted to be careful on telling the family in case this was bogus, but there was enough detail in the email to convince us that this guy definitely knew Mike—the only question was whether he'd actually died. And the way this guy knew was that COBRA had faxed this company the notice that Mike had died, for insurance purposes.
Did we hear from Mike's brother or mother or father? No. We scoured the net for obituaries or mention of this. Eventually we did call other parts of the Chicago branch of the family, some of which were in better touch with them than we were, but none of them had heard anything, especially about Mike—I know I hadn't seen him in well over a decade, and I don't think most of them had either. Mike's brother I last saw a few years ago, and Mike's parents I saw just before they most recently moved to Arizona, maybe two Christmases ago.
Finally, this morning, my dad (who had been googling for obits daily) tracked down an obituary that confirmed the details, so it's true. But we never heard a single word from them. If this guy from Mike's former workplace hadn't emailed me, nobody in the family would know.
And yet, if you look at the guest book on that obituary, there are loads of people from the NW suburbs in there, although Mike died in Arizona (and a week ago at that). One of the posts, the one from Florida, was—get this—the widow of the owner of the tavern where Mike's dad and my dad (brothers) hung out thirty years ago. So his mom contacted a number of people back home, but didn't bother to contact her husband's brother about this. At all. We didn't even know he was sick, although apparently whatever it was had been going on for a while (the coworker mentioned doctor's visits). We still don't know how he died.
What the hell? I don't particularly miss him or anything, and I can barely even remember what he looks like, but it pisses me off that we had to find out accidentally through the grapevine.
UPDATE: a follow-up.
"The one thing we can say about George W. Bush is we will be forever in his debt...." --Rahm Emanuel
Posted by blahedo at 12:01pm on 2 May 2006You seem to love to bost about your accolades, however; it does appear that you have missed out on becoming anything that anyone could remotely be proud of. No matter what you have accomplised academically, it cannot make up for your shortcommings as a man.
I considered Mike as one of my brothers, and I thank God for introducing me to his wonderful family. I'm sorry that you will never have the pleasure of knowing them as I do.
Hoping that our paths (yours and mine) never cross.
Pete
Posted by Pete at 10:27pm on 11 May 2006To the Blaheta family: "Rest satisfied with doing well, and leave others to talk about you as they will" (Pythagoras)
Bill
Posted by Bill at 12:29am on 12 May 2006Yeah, that's probably just as well, really.
I would count Mike's brother, Doug, as a close friend of mine....
Hey, say hi to Doug for me, would you? I haven't seen him in a long time either.
Posted by blahedo at 12:47am on 12 May 2006Bizarro Family? A few of my friends informed me of your insolent rantings on your website. I visited your site and I was absolutely appalled. I feel sickened yet obligated to respond.
You are a very sick and utterly disturbed individual!
The fact that you posted this blog in a public forum shows how sick and sadistic you really are. The insensitivity and complete lack of tact, class, and respect in our time of mourning is the reason my family and myself do not want, and have not wanted anything to do with you or your family. (My father included.)
You wrote, “I don’t particularly miss him or anything, and I can barely remember what he looks like.” If that is the case, why post this blog? You obviously don’t care about my brother or his demise. Your narcissism displayed on your website proves that.
Your family, especially YOU and Janet, have a fetish for gossip and exploiting the personal matters of others. You are both extremely obnoxious, disrespectful human beings puffed up in your own minds. (None of us are or have ever been impressed.) But for family sake for many years have had to tolerate your unconscionable behavior even as a small child and finally had the opportunity at the death of your grandmother, Margaret to depart as quickly as possible from the insanity and disrespect that we had to tolerate!
You haven’t had any interaction with my family in years and yet you expect an immediate call and total description in detail about the death of my brother! Who do you think you are? How arrogant and corrupt your mind must be.
My relationship with my brother was exceptional. It was personal, loving, and special as well was his relationship with my family.
I feel sorry for you because anyone who has the audacity and lack of character to publish crap like this so soon after the loss of a loved one, obviously is completely out of touch with any form of compassionate humanity.
I am sorry you were pissed off that my family didn't inform you about the loss of our Mike. I apologize, but didn't realize this was about YOU. The exalted, highly important Donny obviously has no importance to my family or me and therefore we chose not to inform you. Actually you did not even, or ever have, entered our minds or conversations.
As a side note, please remove us from any genealogy projects you and/or Janet are working on, as we do not want ANY association with you or your family. My mother rejoices in the fact that she has no blood relation to any of you. Unfortunately I am not that lucky. However, my father has assured me that he no longer respects or acknowledges any, NOT ANY association with your family no, not even his only brother!!! You should be proud of yourself and your high and mighty attitude toward life.
Our family actually pities you because you have never been taught any respect. As we all recall, you were actually taught to be disrespectful, arrogant, and self indulgent. Your parents did you a grave injustice as they always worshipped you and brought you up with a completely distorted view of reality.
Now, I think any one reading this response to your complete nonsense; will understand the lack of any love and compassion our families feel for one another. We will leave it at that, as any explanation of my brother’s illness would just fall on ignorant and deaf ears! I am now writing this to you during this extremely emotional time for me. Does it make any COMMON sense to you that I don’t need this right now? I hope this response will cause you to look deep down into your dark soul and evaluate your completely distorted sense of reality.
You may have noticed that I have used the word respect several times throughout my response. Please note the emphasis on this word. We hope that you will have enough respect not to contact us, or post anymore of your cowardly blogs. If you were truly a man you would have had the guts to contact me instead of making a public display of your complete immaturity and depravity.
Posted by Doug Blaheta at 1:32am on 12 May 2006Mike was my best friend and my companion about 1 1/2 years ago, he is deeply missed and loved by many people, and your email hurt me, especially by your last comments of you don't remember what he looked like and you don't miss him, let me remind you, he was the most gorgeous man, best smile ever, and most beautiful blue eyes and he had the best heart in the world, he would do anything for anybody, always wanted to help with that wonderful cheerful attitude. He was a model and won the title of Mr. Midwest in his bodybuilding, he was the best at everything he ever did and absolutly beautiful inside and out, he had it all! It is too bad you are so selfish, and crude it made me sick when I read your blog, how ridiculous for you to write something about Mike like that! My sympathies go out to everyone who read Blahedo's blog, for Mike's friends and family who read his blog please respond to him with your feelings, I am just so sickened by that guy, and I am so happy I never met him, there was a reason why your side of the family wasn't contacted, go figure it out!
Mike you are my angel, and I will love you forever!!!
Love, Erin Noel
Posted by Erin at 12:25pm on 12 May 2006I have known the Blahetas for about a year and a half now, and I am beside myself when I think about what a great family they are. There is so much love between them and I am totally blessed just to be around them. It's sad to think that you have missed out on all the joy that being close to them can bring into your life.
Your comments were insensitive, wreckless, and uncalled for. Taking advantage of Mike's death as an opportunity to showcase your ill feelings was completely tasteless and I hope that anyone who stumbles across your site and this blog will be able to see how painfully wrong you are about Don, Linda, Doug and Michael.
Posted by Sheila Lasater at 7:14pm on 12 May 2006There are a lot of strange defenses being done here - and i can't see where in Don's post this may have come up. In admitting that it was a relative he hardly knew, you all jumped up and said "WELL I KNEW HIM SO YOU CAN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY!"
to me, it seemed an innocent thing enough to have been curious why his father was not informed as to his nephew's death. And in not saying anything sladerous - he gets greeted with personal attacks on him and... his MOTHER AND FATHER? anyone else think that's a bit much?
I'm very VERY loosely associated with don blaheta and his family, and in the short time I'VE spent with him, i've met more of his family than i can count. NUMEROUS cousins, aunts, uncles, family friends, there is NEVER a family party he has that isn't filled to the brim with blood relatives. Which is why it makes me curious when i read that Don and his immediate house are the outcasts.
am i the only one here that thinks that's strange?
the fact that not don, his mother OR father, or ANY of dozens and dozens of close-proximity relatives knew anything about this death. Who's cutting who off here?
Now i've never known mike, and i'm sure he was a fantastic person soley because i've never met a blaheta i didn't like. I'm glad there is a requisite amount of sorrow for his passing, but i don't know how a relative saying "i don't remember what he looked like" can be met by an angry "he was beautiful you ignorant fucker!"
am i alone here? someone please help me understand this. I haven't talked to a single blaheta in almost a year now, and only VERY occasionally look at this blog. so if anybody that knows - and i mean KNOWS don or his immediate family PERSONALLY better than I do - has anything reasonable to say, please try and make me understand this animocity in a way that is less angry... so that someone else unconnected may see that somewhere in your banter there is actually a point.
thank you.
Posted by Ryan Curtis at 7:59pm on 12 May 2006Is this tragic event about the grieving of the immediate family or is this about some distant relatives who have no vested interest in Michael Blaheta and never have?
I'm sure Don is happy that he has turned this tragic event into a circus. The fact that Don, who as a matter of fact, is considered by most of the family, an outcast, would post something like this, is only self serving.
You, Eric, with all due respect, obviously are extrememly ignorant and know nothing about the family dynamics. You stated that you met dozens of family members. I don't know what parties you have been to, because there aren't dozens of family members. The extended family is relatively small and the majority of the family has no relationship with, Don, his mother, or his father. I hope that Mike's family does not read your excerpt. If they do, I hope you can live with yourself knowing that you have contributed to the emotional pain and strain on this family in the time of their incredible loss. Put yourself in their position if you can. Try to see things through the family's eyes.
The fact that Don hasn't removed his initial blog shows how non-compationate and selfish he actually is. Don, shame on you for your completely destructive behavior.
To the Blaheta family: I hope you are well, my heart goes out to you, and please try to ignore anything posted on this site. Please consider the source.
Posted by Joe at 10:26pm on 12 May 2006As i said earlier, I've never met a Blaheta i haven't liked - what i figured was assumed was that i'd never dislike one I've never met - regardless of what "others" have to say about it.
I feel it unfortunate that such a negative image of Don has been painted in your mind, and once again, i have no doubt in my mind that mike was an amazing human being, and from your descriptions i only wish I could know more people like that.
i am not trying to defend donald here - he is more than capable of doing that himself. But as the reverend said, it takes a strong man to take all this punishment and not feel the need to retaliate. When he uses the word "bizzarro" in a personal blog to describe an incident with distant family, i don't see it as a personal attack upon them. Especially when i notice it repeated many times that far worse things are said in dinner table conversation about his family.
I am not angry at any of you for your passion to defend a dear departed friend, husband, or brother. I've lost friends, i've lost family, i get it. It's never easy. I'm not accusing any of you of crimes against humanity for trying to defend a man not on this earth to do it himself.
My question now is: if mike were such a compassionate person (which you make him out to be, and i wholly believe he was) - would he rather you bash a distant relative of his than lead through example and show compassion and a little understanding? I ask because you all know him WAY better than I do, and would like to know why so much anger is being raised on behalf of a man who (from the sounds of it) would never have let it get to him.
once again, i don't know him - i'd like the people who do to make the call. My eyes are peeled for your responses.
Posted by Ryan Curtis at 12:50am on 13 May 2006You expect an immediate call...
No, just a notification at some point.
a distant relative and I mean very distant...
Not really; we were first cousins.
I'm sure Don is happy that he has turned this tragic event into a circus.
I'm not happy this tragic event has been turned into a circus, no.
There aren't dozens of family members.
Well, there are. At least thirty or so that I see at least a few times a year.
I am sad for you that you never knew him...
You know what, Tammy? I'm pretty sad about that too.
Posted by blahedo at 1:00am on 13 May 2006I want to thank all of the friends and family who have posted responses and have had to put up with all of the insensitivies dsiplayed by Don and his friends on this website. Trust me, I understand, none of you need this at all.
Posted by Joe at 10:33am on 13 May 2006I understand now where you are coming from. Your last post makes a lot of sense and is almost devoid of resorting to personal attacks to make your point. Your bottom line is now clearly understood.
Here's mine:
Nothing in Don's post made me think he was taking it personally. It stated quite clearly that MANY of the Ilinois contingent including Mike's uncle (his father's brother, whom is also named mike and is most likely the man after whom your mike was named) were not aware of the death.
If the family was looking for condolances, they may have informed the (in fact) dozens and dozens of surviving family (look at the geneology on this very site) AT SOME POINT as to the death of a relative who was apparently close to some of them at one point; giving them an opportunity, no matter how well they knew them, to properly show their feelings.
Because Don stated that he wished ANY of his common family would have been informed, and that it may have spread a little, I do not believe he ever had the intention of making this all about him. and I do believe that while this is don's blog, don's post, don's feelings, the thing don had very little to do with is this turning into the "circus" that it has become.
You ask me to put myself in the shoes of Mike's family; and your point is clear. I do see how this would seem insensitive.
But i don't see it to be uncaring. That to me would have been "who died? mike? like i give a shit." Instead of wishing that anyone who MAY have remembered him and at some point in their lives and cared for him would have been informed that he was no longer with us. This isn't distant family... I find it a bit strange that at some point SOMEONE wouldn't have heard. even...dare i say... a bit bizzarre? Since inflection can't be determined over the internet, I would like you all to know that in making that statement i am in no way trying to make a slanderous remark towards the Tempe-area blahetas.
Would i have written it in a blog? no... i probably would have called the family and said "hey... i heard about mike, i'm so sorry." - which is the point you all seem to be trying to make. you're all corrrect... Mike's death isn't and will never be about Don. The thing i don't think you realize is that Don has always seemed to believe the same. His thoughts turned into your circus.
Posted by Ryan Curtis at 2:02pm on 13 May 2006With all due respect, I didn't realize you were Don's spokesperson and understand so well his intentions, thoughts, and motives. I also didn't realize that you know the intricate details and dynamics of the Blaheta family. Being that you have not witnessed personnally any interaction between both families and are unaware of any history between both families, your opinions are ignorant, pointless, and without credibility. That being said, any further opinions just add to the circus, that yes, Don created. The concept is so simple yet you for some reason you cannot grasp it. Don publically stated that the grieving family is bizarre. The fact that the Blaheta family did not personally contact Don is their decision. THEIR DECISION. Mike was THEIR son, they have that right. Get it??? The fact that you think it is bizarre is, yes, your opinion, but a highly ignorant one, as you do not know both families. Is that so hard to grasp? I feel like I'm trying to explain this to a child, however a child would understand.
If he would have seriously thought it through before he decided to post this, with the Blaheta family feelings in mind and not his own motives, he may have not posted it in the first place. This is of course assuming that he has the capacity to understand this basic human concept.
Ryan, I understand that you want to protect Don for whatever reason. Before I end this I want you to think of one thing before you continue to defend him. Look at how many people other than the Blaheta family were offended and outraged by his blog. Does that compute in your mind? Didn't Don realize that people other than the GRIEVING family, who loved Mike, would see his blog? Didn't he stop to think that calling his family bizarre and that he won't even miss Mike hurt the people that did in fact love him? The fact that you cannot understand this is bizarre. Extremely bizarre.
Your response to this post will be in vain as I will not ever visit this site again.
Posted by joe at 3:30pm on 13 May 2006To joe, and all other's who were offended by Don's post: I am truly sorry that we had to meet under these conditions. I believe that had we met on the street, or through a friend, we could have a lot of fun together and really enjoy each other's company.
In the light of repeatedly being called ignorant, and multiple other names, in spite of never having made a personal attack, i really wish i could know some of you beyond the pictures you have painted of yourselves in your postings.
i never once called anyone ignorant, a fool, or anything slanderous - and have in fact tried to make many claims to the contrary. So i have come to this conclusion.
joe, you're right. I'm not Don's spokesman. I'm ignorant. I'm a child who doesn't understand the family dynamic. My ramblings have been pointless and without credibility. And i shouldn't be standing up for a man who has made a conscious decision to stand up for himself, since it seems he is a stronger individual than I. And he knits too. happy yet?
I know where you all stand, i get your point, and in spite of saying that I'm still getting called ignorant. It's unfortunate you have to resort to personal attacks. I will never, and have never expected any of you to change your stances. I only tried to understand why they were made so quickly.
In that... you all know where i stand. and i doubt any of you expect me to change my stance.
I hope that one day we will meet each other out of context, so we can actually get to know each other. As i've said before, as someone who knows Don, I feel it unfortunate that all of you have such an ugly picture of him in your minds. But what do i know... i'm just an ignorant child.
Oh, and Joe, nobody asked you visit it in the first place - and i have a great respect for anyone who will speak so ardently for a friend. But don't take me for a fool - you've read every word of this post and are probably for some reason angry that in spite of all the harsh overgeneralizations and slanderous remarks you have made on myself and my character, I still don't hate you.
But at least you got my name right this time. you're on your way.
Posted by Ryan Curtis at 9:09pm on 13 May 2006Well, I'm going to chime in just a little bit here. I don't know most of the people involved, so I'm not going to talk about them. And I'm not going to talk about people's intentions, or who's right and who's wrong in this situation. Not even going to go there.
1. I've been using Usenet and the Internet since before it was called the Internet. While it is a mind-bogglingly powerful communication tool, is not perfect. And it tends to work poorly when emotions are running high. There just isn't enough bandwidth, yet. Phone calls can be better in some circumstances, and high-bandwidth (face to face) is still often necessary to communicate effectively.
2. I've met Don. I've spent time with him and his family. They are Good People. I believe that most anyone will come to the same conclusion, if they spend some time getting to know them.
3. I've met many of Don's friends, but I know only a couple of them well. I can't say for sure if they are also Good People, I would need to spend more time with them. However, I can safely say that they are not nasty and evil.
I truly hope that everyone involved can take a step back, and reconsider the situation. It is said that every problem is an opportunity. Perhaps this can be is a chance for the disconnected parts of a large extended family to get to know each other again. To learn, share stories, and help each other. Isn't that what families are for?
Posted by ansible at 10:39pm on 13 May 2006Oh, and one more thing. Good People make mistakes. This does not make them automatically bad or evil.
The amusing thing here is I still expect perfection from myself, even when I don't expect it from others. But we'll talk about my issues some other day.
Posted by ansible at 10:49pm on 13 May 2006- you're right... i shouldn't be trying to figure out what people are trying to say... i should just be Reacting without thinking about what i had just read
"it's none of your business"
- You're right, it isn't. I agree completely. It's not. The fact that everyone else replying seems to think it's theirs doesn't change the fact.
"you should just sit back and let Don get a whirlwind of grief and anger slammed in his face!"
- I like your enthusiasm - and since this is the most polite response i've gotten out of anybody on this board.... I'll agree.
though i do have an honest question.... and i invite you to send me a private e-mail if you'd like since i know you haven't really called me any names yet (which i actually appreciate)
isn't doug 6 or 7 years older than Don? you were a grade school friend of Doug's? Doesn't that mean that the oldest don could have been when you met him was...like...7?
Posted by Ryan Curtis at 7:35pm on 14 May 2006this being the 12th day since the incident, i don't even know why this would be relevant to an outsider anymore. I'd rather stop arguing, and just let the families talk it out themselves. From the sound of it there are years and years and years of built up hostility here... and they're going to need to work that out for themselves. Stay involved if you all want, but I don't think us bickering amongst each other will ever help this family reach a resolution. They're family, they had to have gotten along at one point or another! they talked regularly up until about 2 years ago!
In other words... as chuck said... this isn't any of my business. goodbye. if you'd still like to chat.. send me an e-mail
Posted by Ryan Curtis at 7:49pm on 14 May 2006