The Paper Weight (APCS Oral History)
Sung to the tune of "The Weight" by The Band
(Original verses by Bill Skillcorn)
Refrain:
Take a stack from Frannie
Grade a stack for Trees
Take a stack from Frannie
And... put a stack in front of me
1984
I pulled into Trenton and was feelin' 'bout half past dead
I've been trying to find a place where I can grade, I said.
Oh David Rine can you tell me, how you can use this man
He said "I don't know", just say "ALOHA!" when you can
So I found my table leader, his name was Henry Walker
And everybody knows that he wasn't much of a talker
But Henry said if you wanna work for me
Don't ever, ever give a paper more than three
Now Mark and Terry Gill, they work at CMU
That's where Phil Miller just tells them what to do
Oh Dr. Phil thinks GLOBALFILTER is so fine
Any paper using it automatically scores a nine
1988
And then Stuart Reges came to work for ETS
All the readers felt he certainly was the best
Oh Stu, we said, tell us all about your new faction
And by the way "What the hell is DATA ABSTRACTION?"
1989
Crazy Carl followed me as I walked into the hall
That's where we saw Charlie Shub, the fastest reader of them all
When Carl said, "Hey, come listen to this joke."
He said "No, that's OK, I just come here to smoke!"
1990
And then old Stuart Reges had a fight with ETS
He said I don't like you anymore, in fact I like you less
Yes in the Spring of '90 the doo-doo hit the fan
And now our new Chief Reader is Owen Astrachan
1991
All the high school teachers wrote, my students can't finish 3
What's the matter Mike Clancy, are you just too blind to see?
But Clancy said, "Hey there, I am no fuddy duddy
So I have prepared for you a 2000-page case study."
1992
We've come to grade AP's in 1992
We shouldn't be singing now, there's still so much to do
From Clemson House to Daniel Hall, our upraised voices heard
To bring the reading to an end with nary a cross word
For many who aren't here, this might seem like a job
Those are the folks that should be doofkabob'd
We play the games we love, it doesn't seem a chore
And every year we all return to play and grade some more
I've been grading for six years now, but my God it feels like seven
One thing that I have learned is Smith Hall is AP heaven
Someday I'll be gone forever, but when is anybody's guess
Gail Chapman, please don't worry, I'm donating my body to ETS.
The readers gathered 'round and said they were so sad
The kids had tried so hard and the scores were all so bad
One reader raised his voice, a new tradition was born
We smiled and started singing, we thank you Bill Skillcorn.
1993
In 1993, they came from across the nation
the work on the string question caused great consternation
But Joe and Owen met and solved all the frustration
They said the rubric needed one more Claire-ification.
The spreadsheet numbers, we know they never lie
Come about Monday morning, we were about to cry
But then we checked the book count with the tally against the door
Oops, pardon me Owen, we found one thousand more.
Mark Stehlik is from CMU, he returns there every fall
In the list of AP jobs, he's almost done them all
Teacher, reader, exam leader, but one pearl's yet to fall
His lifelong dream's to be chief reader for volleyball.
1994
I pulled into Clemson in 1994
I was ready to bowl and read, but wasn't quite sure how to score
At the alley in the Union, the machine scored strikes and spares
But back in Daniel Hall, we graded packs in pairs.
Can you read data from a file? Students didn't have a clue
More than one solution used records, pointers, and called NEW
If I'd wanted lists I'd have chosen AB 4
And finding structure points is really quite a chore
There were strings again, this was version number three
I'd like a standard string; C++ sure looks good to me
But I'm worried about design and this style that some call "OOP"
My students can't even find the invariant of a loop
With case studies coming soon, we're running out of time
Is what we really need a brand new paradigm?
But we'll all cope while we learn and teach
Knowing that nothing is not within our reach
1995
Directory Manager was on the test in '95
Gail pushed it through for us to keep the case study alive
This question was so easy, known as A3-AB3
They could've been done by Tuesday, and graded with Sharon Lee
On Thursday afternoon, a little after 3
We were coming back from break, our hearts were filled with glee
Looks like we'll finish early, at least according to Mark
Then the power flickered once. Surprise! We're in the dark!
1996
In 1996, they moved us one more time
To the Madren Center where the view is mighty fine
We're readin' here in comfort, what more could worry us?
But when the list group wanted lunch they couldn't find the bus
Now we're using RMS to help us keep the score.
But filling in those Scantron sheets is really such a bore
Chief reader can you tell me, if we make a mistake,
Should we use the white eraser or throw it in the lake?
1997
In '97, Large Integer took the stage.
LargeConstruct and LargeDestroy were found on every page.
Case studies can be useful, but it occurs to us,
Wouldn't it be easier to write it in C++
The crossword puzzle question was moving kinda slow.
Even with the longer reading, its fate was touch and go.
The heat was getting higher, chief reader cried in pain,
Stop throwing rocks and chocolate kisses, it's time to go retrain.
The registration code took quite some time to train
Those sets of characters can really be a pain.
You know that you're in trouble when all that you have done,
Is read a single pack by the second day at one.
1998
Well, 1998 is Pascal's final year.
There's some who'd like to cry, but most of us will cheer,
And when we make it next year, arriving on the bus,
We'll see what is revealed - the Full Monty in C++.
1999
It's 1999, and C++ is here.
The tests were not as bad as we had come to fear.
We're staying at the Martin where the rooms are mighty fine.
With 19,000 tests, we still are done in time.
2000
It's back to Daniel Hall in the year of Y2K.
Chris Nevison is now the boss to lead us on the way.
Encryption is a challenge to keep it flowing well,
So lots of other readers were told to "Go to help!"
2001
A new case study is on the test in oh oh one.
Marine Biology with fishies having fun.
Without a call to Update, their age will never change,
but when they breed when dead, now that is really strange!
2002
2002 has come and some things never change,
The common question's slow, and loops go out of range,
We're dining out at Harcombe, which means it's quite a hike.
And if you want to know all rubrics, just go ask Chris van Wyk.
Workin' into Monday, gettin' 'bout near the end,
Back hurts, butt hurts, head hurts, fingers barely bend,
But right then Chris comes in, says "We won't be done,"
The only plane you're gonna fly is A4/AB1 !
2003
The question on design caused students lots of angst,
They just had no idea of where to put the const,
They wrote some function headers, and thought they had some smarts,
But they can't store their data -- they had no private parts!
Time to retire, must think about a plan,
Can I request it, or will I get the can?
Construction gives me headaches with hammerin' in the brain,
And when we go to break, it always seems to rain!
2004
They say things always change, so now in oh oh four,
We're grading Java code, it's C++ no more.
New data structures added: ArrayLists, Maps, and Sets,
And for inheritance, designing types of Pets.
2005
It's now two thousand five and the new chief is Dave Reed.
Table Leaders joined the ranks, were welcomed, yes indeed!
From Lightsey Commons, a trek to say the least,
Each night our social time became a moving feast!
2006
2006 has been a year of much surprise.
Some luggage was delayed, still flying in the skies.
800 fewer tests, where were they? Time will tell.
And now to Clemson U, we bid a fond farewell.
2007
Now we're back in Trenton, but only for a year.
We brought our aides with us, our Southern belles so dear.
We wrote some questions we hope will score as nine.
We self-divided and swam with the fishes one last time.
2008
Moved on to Louisville, our site in oh oh eight.
We started early June, but tests were coming late.
We graded in the ocean, since pirates was the theme.
For Cap'n Dave's last year, the reading was a dream.
2009
Aloha Cincy, Ohana is our theme.
There's Skyline Chili and really "Graet" ice cream.
It's our last chance to read 'bout maps and sets and trees.
We say hello to Jody Paul, Aloha to AB.
2010
Now we're back in Cincy, with A P C S A.
There's fewer readers here but more exams to grade.
Ran out of water, shampoo still in my hair;
So I grabbed my toothbrush and ran bare to Fountain Square
2011
I packed a brush and comb, my friends, but sun-tan lotion not.
So why's the Buckeye State so gosh-forsaken hot?
Love the people, work's OK, but the food here is a crime.
Would've bought a t-shirt if they'd delivered them on time.
2012
Here we are in the Hyatt and the scoring is all done.
A week of working hard, who'd-a thought be so much fun?
Games and chats and puzzles by Scott the master of the quiz.
Say "Aloha Jody" and then say "Aloha Liz"
2013
This year in Cincy, they added half an hour.
And slow elevators, I barely had time to shower.
As first female chief reader, Liz was great and did a lot.
Next year will be so different without puzzle master Scott.
2014
Goodbye Cincinnati in two thousand fourteen.
Goodbye to Bugs and Critters, and Rocks
that're RED and GREEN.
Naother successful redaing, even Q1 didn't run ltae.
I'll see you next year in Kansas City, on a slightly later date.
2015
First time in Kansas City, and the parking lot got closed
We dined out on barbecue with 3,000 other folks
Our walk to work and lunch is now three blocks, inside
The backread backlog cleared, and we finished right on time.
2016
KC's an oven for reading thirty-three
The last led by Liz Johnson, went as smooth as it could be
And APCSP brought old friends back again
I'll see you next year,
"AP" "COMP" "SCI" "ROCKS"
'til then.
2017
John chiefed in KC in twenty-seventeen
Our rooms are curtains now, spread out across Hall C
Ran out of water AGAIN, and we're all wondering, "hey---
you think Q2 really finished on the second day?"
Our test is up a bit from what it was before,
but count Principles and and that's fifty thousand more.
We bid farewell to some, who'll grade them if they can
And some retirements---we'll really miss you Fran!
2018
Added international, and the testing date moved back.
Lots of people worried, 'cause exams came after Calc.
Our cruise ship captain kept the folder flowing even---
I just hope there aren't too many still arriving on day 7.
2019
This year's exam date was late as it could be.
ETS had to work real hard to get them to KC.
Big changes coming soon, though we didn't get a vote,
We'll still be together next year, whether on-site or remote.
2020
Pandemic set the scene for a crazy AP time
DC worked crazy hard to adapt and redesign
An exam with just two questions, but different forms there's lots
Each with normal coding prompts, plus open-ended parts
We read and scored from home for several hours a day
Trained without partners, just benchmarks show the way
I messaged my TL, but ONE chat's down again
Temp hold for later, online tick sheets are my friend
2021
We'd read from home again, if ONE ever lets us score
Ten clicks and then submit, no tick sheets anymore
Needed one whole extra day, but we'll get this reading done
(eventually!)
and bid a fond farewell to super-CR John
2022
Now led by Alistair from the room "under the C"
to tilt at ONE again and the spinning loading screen
Acorns, e-corns, veterans join those at home to score
Check on us next year, still working on O4
2022 (Oct)
October '22 brought an unexpected verse
We heard the bad news, and it kept getting worse
We'll miss you Alistair, our CR gone too soon
Cancer sucks.
Coda:
Now catch the cannon ball to take me down the line
My butt is gettin' flat and I do believe it's time
To get back to my family you know they're the only ones
Who think I'm here drinkin' beer and having lots of fun.*
*Pandemic variations:
2020: Who know this year's been weird and I'm missing everyone.
2021: Who know this year's still weird and I'm missing everyone.